Please, do me this one favor...

Shut up. For the love of God, just shut the fuck up. Ok? Great.

There are only so many extents to which one can go to ignore you. Putting in my headphones (with or without the music playing) and mouthing words (sometimes to a song, sometimes curse words) doesn't always stop people from talking to me. So, the only thing left to do is for you to realize that if your vocal chords aren't vibrating this does not mean the world will stop spinning.

I'd like to first note that some people just have nothing worthwhile to say. They speak, but honestly, is anyone gaining anything from their expension of hot air? I think not. No one wants to hear why you love, love Sarah Palin. I don't think that little detail about your sex life is all that interesting, let alone something you should be bragging about. Cool, you had a thought...but I don't need to hear it. If you aren't contributing something constructive to the discussion, please just purse you lips, bite your tongue, shove your fist down your throat, I really do not care. Just don't talk. Resist the urge.

Now, other people, it's not so much the content of their speech that irks me so much, but instead it's the frequency in which that speech is released. The decibel. The timbre. Whatever. It's their goddamn voice. If you have an annoying voice, I hope to God someone has been a good enough friend to tell you just once that it is in fact annoying, because you cannot go through life running your mouth when the sound of your voice is akin to the scream of drowning sea lions for the rest of us. I know this one girl who talks through her nose, and although this naturally happens, she thinks it's "cute" so she amps it up a bit for effect. Her voice makes me wanna strangle kittens. Makes me wanna punch a priest. Makes me wanna...stuff a jawbreaker in her mouth and duct tape it closed. Her mother at least should have the common decency to say, "Sweetie, dearest, apple of my eye...it ain't cute, it's fucking obnoxious...cut that shit out." Really now.

You don't have to do it mean, either. I have a friend with a voice that grates on my very last molecule of nerve, especially when she adds baby voice to it. And, seeing as I can be nice, at least in person, I've told her. Just a gentle ribbing about how her high pitched ring makes dogs cover their ears. It never stopped her from incessantly talking to me like I'm her new puppy, voice dripping with sticky sweetness, drenched in eardrum shattering high notes...but, you know, at least I told her. Maybe she should read this...

Lastly, these days, people just annoy the living fuck out of me. I would highly appreciate a day or two of peace from the ignorance of our race. Just...silence. No more, "I approve this message," or "OMG, he's soooo hot," or "Would you like fries with that?" Just the simple joy of nothingness. Can you do that for me? Just, shut your pie holes for a couple days, at least until I have mastered the urge to throw old ladies in front of buses. Great, thanks.