Give yourself a hand

Sorry gents, but you don't have the market cornered when it comes to getting bad handjobs.

I know, I know, you think only you can experience that crazy desire to tell the girl (or guy, I s'pose) who is desperately trying to please you just to give up because you can do a better job yourself. Well, hate to break it to ya, but we can think the same exact thing. Can. And do.

Seriously, guys, a clit is not a record and you are not a DJ. There is a method, and most of ya'll don't know it. I will not say what that method is, considering I can only speak for myself and it is not my place to educate men on how to please women with just their midde fingers (OK, that was a hint). But don't just assume you know what the fuck you're doing down there. Ask. Seriously. If she gets grossed out and acts all prude-like, fine, go on with your clumsy ways. But girls with the self-respect to demand what they deserve (and they are really the only girls worth messing with...asserting self-fullfillment normally comes from the open-minded sort you really want), they'll be thankful. Because even assertive chicks won't always break a man's heart by saying, "Dude, stop. Lemme just do it."