I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change

Yes, that is a title of a musical. But it is also something we think about our significant others every day. "I love him just the way he is...except I wish he would stop doing this, this and this and start doing things A, B, and C." Or, "My girlfriend is awesome but I just wish she looked like that, amd she just won't do that, say this, touch that, or lick that place." OK, that was mean. Guys dislike things about their girlfriend aside from sexual stuff. Like ability to make a sandwich. Or knowledge of sports betting.

All those fucking relationship gurus are all, "Accept your partner for who they are and they will do the same to you." "Open-mindedness and compromise are the glue that holds you two together." Blah Fuckity Blah Blah. No, what relationships are about is you find someone that has a long list of things you like, and then it becomes your job to slowly etch away the parts you don't like and fuse new things onto their personality until they are your perfect specimen. And they in turn will try to change you into their ideal. And you'll think, "Why can't he just love me for who I am?" And then you'll go inform him that he needs to anticipate your will better. Successful relationships are those in which each person concedes to some changes but then has the confidence to say, "No, that's an inherent part of what makes me, me. Deal with it." And then the show of confidence is such a turn on that you have spontaneous sex and then whatever change needed to be made can wait until later.

OK, yeah, it would be wonderful if you could find someone and have no qualms about their personality at all. But that's not gonna happen. So you gotta weigh the pros and cons and say, decide that humor and attraction and emotional connection outweigh your significant others complete lack of interest in anything you like. That's, ahem, just an example.

I walk everywhere. I hate parking tickets, and I can use the exercise so it only makes sense to use the greatest mode of transport I have. I can't stand asshole drivers who don't respect the rights of peds. I just do. I'm one of those drivers that will wait to turn right on green, even if that means missing my shot, just to let walkers across. (See, I can be nice sometimes.) So, obvi, I hate those dickheads who don't do the same thing for me.

So..funny thing. How many times have I looked up from almost losing a leg to see the driver of the vehicle being an asian male-- one of those scene asians, with the oversized glasses and the faux hawk and the skater shoes--talking to his pink streaked hair, lollipop head girlfriend. Oh, and when it's not one of them, it's a sororowhore, too busy applying mascara to stop at a stop sign.

Damn. Asians and women. The stereotypes are real.

Poor, Stupid Babies

Dumb people of the world: Stop fucking getting knocked up!

I am getting awful sick of hearing about really really mindless people spawning children. I get gossip from my ex-classmates informing me of whose expecting and it makes me cringe. It is never the pretty brainy chicks and their Ivy League boyfriends. No. It's the girls with the muffin tops, and the split ended hair dyed bleach blond on top and black underneath. It's the girls who failed algebra 1 and don't know the differences between there/their/they're. And it's their ex-footballer boyfriends who already have beer guts and work at Walmart.

Of course, there is a very simple reason behind this: smart people have the good sense to USE BIRTH CONTROL! They're called condoms. Don't like the feel of rubber around your dick? Then girlies, it's called the pill. The patch. The shot. The ring. The sponge. The tubaligation. I don't care. there are so many options out there, and whether or not you can spell or not should not affect your ability to stroll into a CVS and buy a box of Trojans. Seriously.

Here's this other thing. I know intelligent people that are laisse faire about being safe and yet they don't get preggers. But those low IQed peeps are all about popping out little illegitimate ones. I would almost be happy if two smart college kids made a baby, because this world seems to be lacking in smarts.

Now, I am not a fan of that big bad "A" word, but when white trash keeps producing more white trash, this pushes me farther and farther towards pro-choice. Now, I have a brain. I'd keep my kid. But of course, I'm on the pill. So that won't be an issue anyway. But I'd be pleased to squeeze out a kid with my eyes and my brain (although, hopefully the powers that be would give the kid the dude's nose). But, I think ignoramuses should have every option available to them.

I repeat: CONDOMS!

I'm done.

Please, do me this one favor...

Shut up. For the love of God, just shut the fuck up. Ok? Great.

There are only so many extents to which one can go to ignore you. Putting in my headphones (with or without the music playing) and mouthing words (sometimes to a song, sometimes curse words) doesn't always stop people from talking to me. So, the only thing left to do is for you to realize that if your vocal chords aren't vibrating this does not mean the world will stop spinning.

I'd like to first note that some people just have nothing worthwhile to say. They speak, but honestly, is anyone gaining anything from their expension of hot air? I think not. No one wants to hear why you love, love Sarah Palin. I don't think that little detail about your sex life is all that interesting, let alone something you should be bragging about. Cool, you had a thought...but I don't need to hear it. If you aren't contributing something constructive to the discussion, please just purse you lips, bite your tongue, shove your fist down your throat, I really do not care. Just don't talk. Resist the urge.

Now, other people, it's not so much the content of their speech that irks me so much, but instead it's the frequency in which that speech is released. The decibel. The timbre. Whatever. It's their goddamn voice. If you have an annoying voice, I hope to God someone has been a good enough friend to tell you just once that it is in fact annoying, because you cannot go through life running your mouth when the sound of your voice is akin to the scream of drowning sea lions for the rest of us. I know this one girl who talks through her nose, and although this naturally happens, she thinks it's "cute" so she amps it up a bit for effect. Her voice makes me wanna strangle kittens. Makes me wanna punch a priest. Makes me wanna...stuff a jawbreaker in her mouth and duct tape it closed. Her mother at least should have the common decency to say, "Sweetie, dearest, apple of my eye...it ain't cute, it's fucking obnoxious...cut that shit out." Really now.

You don't have to do it mean, either. I have a friend with a voice that grates on my very last molecule of nerve, especially when she adds baby voice to it. And, seeing as I can be nice, at least in person, I've told her. Just a gentle ribbing about how her high pitched ring makes dogs cover their ears. It never stopped her from incessantly talking to me like I'm her new puppy, voice dripping with sticky sweetness, drenched in eardrum shattering high notes...but, you know, at least I told her. Maybe she should read this...

Lastly, these days, people just annoy the living fuck out of me. I would highly appreciate a day or two of peace from the ignorance of our race. Just...silence. No more, "I approve this message," or "OMG, he's soooo hot," or "Would you like fries with that?" Just the simple joy of nothingness. Can you do that for me? Just, shut your pie holes for a couple days, at least until I have mastered the urge to throw old ladies in front of buses. Great, thanks.

Give yourself a hand

Sorry gents, but you don't have the market cornered when it comes to getting bad handjobs.

I know, I know, you think only you can experience that crazy desire to tell the girl (or guy, I s'pose) who is desperately trying to please you just to give up because you can do a better job yourself. Well, hate to break it to ya, but we can think the same exact thing. Can. And do.

Seriously, guys, a clit is not a record and you are not a DJ. There is a method, and most of ya'll don't know it. I will not say what that method is, considering I can only speak for myself and it is not my place to educate men on how to please women with just their midde fingers (OK, that was a hint). But don't just assume you know what the fuck you're doing down there. Ask. Seriously. If she gets grossed out and acts all prude-like, fine, go on with your clumsy ways. But girls with the self-respect to demand what they deserve (and they are really the only girls worth messing with...asserting self-fullfillment normally comes from the open-minded sort you really want), they'll be thankful. Because even assertive chicks won't always break a man's heart by saying, "Dude, stop. Lemme just do it."

The Meanie in Me

You ever walk down the street, and see someone, and just...I dunno...they annoy you? Something about their face. And you kinda just think, for a split second, it'd be cool if they got hit by a car.

That's terrible. I know.

But you do it. You think horrible thoughts about people--at people. Don't lie. It's true. You do it. We all do it. And the beautiful thing is, there ain't no crime in that. Thoughts are just thoughts. Not hurting nothing. Whatever masochistic Catholic pope decided thinking can be a sin must confess to himself all the God-fucking-damn time. Seriously, how can we be punished for thinking? We can't. It's only when we act on the no-so-nice--or downright atrocious-- thoughts that things get ugly.

Well, I won't lie. I can be quite the bitch in my head. I can be a vindictive, hateful, shrew sometimes. Some may say, a c*#! And I keep my mouth shut. I don't repeat the awful things that go through my head. And frankly, I should really keep them to myself...but I have this nasty little inkling my dark side is just the morbid, blue humor people are jonesing for.

So here you are kids. All the things I should never say outloud but think every motherfucking day. Live for you to devour with your eyes. Dig in.